A New Year Without Michael Jackson? This Just Can’t Be…

How will we ever make it without him? It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Why isn’t the pain easing? Can somebody please tell me?

Some days I feel ok, but other days it’s as if I just heard the news all over again and it cuts like a knife.

I’ve buried family members, close friends, and people I’ve loved dearly, but why does Michael Jackson’s death have this hold on my heart like it does?  Why does he have this impact?

People committed suicide when Michael died and although we didn’t read about those fans who took their life, it ‘did’ indeed happen. The loss of Michael was profound. The world was stunned. I’m stunned.

I often ask myself; “What if God would let us have Michael back, should we take him back”?

This may sound like an easy question at first, but I also remember all the pain Michael went through as well.

My initial response is yes, I would want him back for his children and for his family & fans that love him so much. And of course, I would want him back for my own reasons. I miss him!! I would want Michael back to finish his concert, which he seemed so excited about, but I think about all the other things that God rescued Michael from and then I’m not so sure.

I think about the peace that Michael is feeling right now. I think about how the media will undoubtedly begin ridiculing him again even while he’s gone, they truly have no mercy. I can’t imagine the pain he went through, but he ‘did’ express it to us sometimes in interviews of how he suffered. Now he’s not suffering anymore.

I want him back for my own selfish reasons, I want him back for me and for others, but perhaps for ‘him’, I would like him to rest. The ultimate sacrifice for me to admit as I cry while typing this, of course, I want him back, but I want what’s best for him. I want him happy, peaceful and free from pain.

I want whatever God wants.

It’s a hard choice. Especially seeing how it was not ‘initially’ at God’s hands that Michael lost his life, it was at the hands of Conrad Murray who walks free to this day.

But I think if God wanted Michael here, then the breath of life would have been put back into him during CPR. ‘Something’ would have been done through God’s intention to save Michael during those last hours ‘despite’ the foul deeds of Conrad Murray, but God said it was time and so he took him.

“Oh Michael, if only we could have you back just for one more day to say good-bye. We never got to say good-bye to you. Just one hug, that’s all, and then we’ll let you go. But how do I say good-bye to you when I never even got to say ‘hello’? I hope you can see me now, and all your fans who love you…… see our anguish and our sorrow, how we miss you so. How special you were to us. Nobody will ever replace you, Michael. You’ll be our Angel forever.”

Fans, what would you want for Michael? Would you take him back into this world if you could?

As we bring in this new year I know I will cry, I never really ‘stopped’ crying. I know Michael asked us to smile, but I can’t, I’ve tried, but I just can’t. I’m feeling immense pain in losing Michael. He was so beautiful, so loving. His sweet laugh, his big brown eyes, (they were SO big weren’t they!) :-) His heart, those sexy gold pants! His kindness, gentleness, innocence, I’ll miss everything.

How can there be a year without Michael Jackson in it? 2010, No Michael? This just can’t be. :’(

I just don’t know how I’ll make it through………


Love Forever,

– Bonnie Lamrock